Old Fools Anti Pants Journal #1

Number 1 in a series of Rants about Pants

I hate pants. This abomination has been foisted on men in the last three to six hundred years or so as a way of making them pay for their sins while they are still alive. Women have adopted them which shows that women can do anything a man can do and do it worse or better as the case may be. Why women would do this when there is no societal pressure for them to do so I will never understand. Men can't just go out in a skirt or a dress in some places for fear of being stoned to death although I saw one at Walmart today in a beautiful Kelly green calf length dress, tight at the top and flared at the hips with a laced leather vest and laced knee high boots. Obviously an ensemble and I mean ensemble not an outfit or a get up. This rather tall gentleman with his below the shoulder wavy brown hair and rugged manly face (read that as homely) looked rather fetching and purposeful. His 5 foot tall chubby lady (read that as fat) friend looked dim in comparison in her floor length drab overcoat. Make me feel as if I were back in San Francisco my favorite city of all time. OK now where was I?

Oh yeah.

Why would a man want to wear pants or women either for that matter. They are merely leggings joined at the top by a hacksaw with a carbide tipped blade. Women are less vulnerable with their indoor plumbing but men have this very sensitive paraphernalia that their inseam does not take into account. “Manly men” will tell you that your underwear takes care of that by giving you support. I think that only if its made of Kevlar will it give the protection I want. I hate underwear anyway unless it's really cold it's unnecessary. Of course there are sacred undergarments but I'm really wary of those. What if you had a little accident and stained them and whatever god that blessed them got really pissed. I don't believe in that stuff but why take a chance? And then there is always crotch rot. A problem even in the north but really a problem in the tropics. One of the first things to go when I was a young man in the Navy was the tighty whities or as my wife calls them “chili chokers”. In the years that I lived in the tropics I notice that women from northern climates shed their panties pretty quickly. I know where your mind is going. That is not the reason (well sometimes).The idea was to lessen the bacterial problems and irritations that underwear seemed to magnify. Believe me,those that learned it on their on and did not get advice from a friend in advance were not one bit interested in sex until that was straightened out. In fact I had a doctor friend that had a sign on her office wall. It said “loose the panties”. Some said that I had a sign like that on my forehead.

Near as I can tell it's the white man (only a white man would come up with this) that came up with “pants” or trousers as they are called in civilized countries. The Scots had a great idea in their Kilts. The original kilts would be a little unwieldy in todays world and totally useless in warm climates. Not to mention the weight. Wool is heavy and when its wet it's really heavy. But this was worn by men that carried a heavy two handed sword. I mean who wants to lay down to get dressed by rolling up in a bolt of woolen cloth. Looks great when it's all fixed and it is great protection from the weather. Also it could serve as your bed covers. When they discovered the needle and thread (they were a little slow) It evolved into an easily donned garment while maintaining dignity and functionality. They did have to carry a sleeping bag after that though.

500 years ago the Irish men were wearing tunics so what's wrong with that. So were the Romans and the Greeks. If someone had shown up in pants he would have probably been treated as a devil. The tunic is still worn all over the world although now it is often worn with trousers. Are men stupid or what? The tunic is a great all purpose garment and like the Kilt doesn't have a hacksaw blade in it.

There is also the many variations of the “sarong” used world wide. The list of names for this simple garment is longer than I want to publish here. I quit counting at 30. It is used worldwide but not so much in North America. There are those of us that would like to see that change.

All over the world there are examples of what “real men” would call men wearing skirts and dresses. Mostly these “real men” are just unsure of their own masculinity. You get them in an environment where it's accepted and they will deck out in a skirt or dress in a heart beat. Then parade around saying things like “does this make me look fat” or “does this make my butt look big”. I would warn “real men” to not go to a member of the Black Watch and show disrespect for his skirt unless he wants to have his face used to mop the floor.

Me, I like Kilts. I like the music that goes with it, the history of it, the tradition of it and the pride that's in it. Tunics are alright in the winter but when it gets warm its kind of hard to take off your shirt with out getting total nude. Which is OK but sometimes a little inconvenient. I have a version of that for around the house use in the winter. It's called a very long tee shirt. I use to just porky pig it around the house but with grandchildren and their friends running in and out and the fact that I ain't as pretty as I use to be it's prudent to cover some of my flaws.

I really like the modernized variations of kilts. I like sarongs in all their variations.

I especially like the new American work kilts. Amerikilts (http://www.amerikilt.com/), Utilikilts(http://www.utilikilts.com/), Sportskilt (http://www.sportkilt.com/why-buy-sport-kilt.cfm) and many others. Utility at its finest. I would like to have a utilikilt but I can't afford one however I have a sewing machine so I can make it happen.

As for the couple I mention earlier at Walmart if I had the balls to dress like I want I would have been in a League tartan kilt with a Pendleton shirt, my Cat In The Hat Socks and clogs. Now just picture that on a short fat man.

As you can see from the picture Kilts are very dignified and worn in good company.

Healthy too with plenty of ventilation.