Old Fools Journal: Early Experiments of a Future Mad Scientist

January 15, 2009, Thursday

When I was a boy of about 12 someone told me that if I had a couple of flashlight D cells, an old defunct toaster and electric cord with a plug on the end I could make an arc lamp that would melt glass. Oh yeah I would also need a brick. I found all that stuff and became empowered or I guess I should say dangerous. I had up until then done experiments, dabbled in electrics, chemistry, fire, leverage and explosions but never anything that could cause massive destruction both to myself and others as well. Well maybe I could have with fire but the fire truck got there in time. Oh what fun it was. Progress requires sacrifice. (maniacal laughter goes here)

I scrounged up the ingredients to this recipe and commenced to construct this wonderful device that would melt glass, burn through metal, make a lot of light and perhaps change the course of events in the entire world if not the universe. Taking the toaster apart I wound the resistance wire from inside around the red brick and attached one end of it to the electrical cord. I then took the flashlight cells apart and salvaged the carbon cores, sharpened one end of each with a pencil sharpener attached one to the other end of the toaster wire wrapping the connection with friction tape. The other carbon was attached to the other side of the electrical cord and wrapped with friction tape as well. Friction tape was what we thought of as insulating electrical tape. Like modern electrical tape it wasn't worth a crap.

The moment of truth had arrived. It was a dark, dark night, the family was safely in the living room watching Lucy on a 13 inch round screen console TV with my uncle and I was in the back in my dark, narrow hovel I called my laboratory doing life changing science. I plugged it in. I had already positioned a piece of glass on the workbench and taking a carbon in each hand touched them together. Sparks! oh goody. By carefully putting them together and then drawing them apart I established an arc. A very hot arc that when applied to the glass caused it to almost instantly melt. Oh joy, what fun for a while, then the glass exploded. I, of course, jump back and the bare wires of the electrical cord that I had neglected to tape came together and it became dark, very dark. I thought I had gone blind but then I saw that it was worse than that and I wished I had been killed. It wasn't just the laboratory that had gone dark it was the whole house including the TV (abominable thing). I could hear footsteps coming down the hall and see a flashlight waving back and forth. Then I heard the fuse box open and the fuse being removed and replaced. The lights came on, the fuse box door was slammed shut and there was no place to hide. Everyone was in my room and I didn't have even a few seconds to think up a lie. There was some one sided conversation as I recall but my mind has blanked that part out.

I was forbidden to mess with that device in the house ever again and encouraged (ordered) to dismantle it. Since there was no electricity anywhere else that was the end of the great glass melting experiment and it's just as well. During the short time I had it operating I burned my eyes and later that night I wanted to die because the pain was so bad. They put slices of Irish potatoes on my eyes but that is about as effective as aspirin for a migraine headache. I use to have migraines and I would rather have the migraine than the burnt eyes. I have never forgotten that episode as it gave me a healthy respect for ARC welding. I not only don't look but that experience with the “ARC” flashes back if I even hear an arc being struck.

Ever after that I always had the feeling that I was being watched for signs of another “experiment” but they never caught me except for the time I tried to seal up the end of a pipe with a live firecracker inside with candle wax. How was I to know it was hot enough to ignite the fuse?