New Year's is a harmless annual institution, of no particular use to anybody save as a scapegoat for promiscuous drunks, and friendly calls and humbug resolutions.
-Mark Twain-

My new years resolution is the same every year and I always keep it. It is "I resolve to make no New Years resolution". -tom swaim-

Friday, December 4, 2009

Old Fools Journal: Teeth and How to Foolishly Lose Them

It is childish I know but these mechanical teeth have always made me smile. I found a set of these at the thrift store the other day but a lady linebacker beat me to them.

My wisdom teeth hadn't even grown in before I started losing my teeth. I didn't lose them because they were bad as I had inherited good teeth from my grandmother Hattie who still had hers when she passed on to wherever perfect grandmothers go. In fact they were excellent and broke my fall on many occasion. It was because of foolishness. I started losing them in pieces. The first was a piece of a bottom front tooth boxing with myself. Yes, that's right, I hit myself in the face while showing off. The only thing I showed off was that I wasn't too bright. It was a fair fight, I had on gloves.

A few years later I was climbing a rusty old swing set ladder that I knew wasn't safe to start with and the rungs gave way. That's OK though because I saved myself by breaking my fall with my front teeth on the top bar. Lost half a front tooth on that one. I may not have been a quick learner but I did learn to protect my face sort of. At least I didn't break anymore teeth for a while. I bit through my lip a few times but no more broken teeth except for one little one and I have no idea how that happened. Drunk probably. In the rare fight I had I protected myself by leading with my eyes and ears.

But then as I got older and wiser I counteracted the wiser part with alcoholic beverages. One night around 1980 give or take a year or two while sitting around nekkid (nekkid is naughty and is for fun, naked is vulnerable) with my girlfriend on this horse ranch we were involve in I had a good idea. I decided I needed to go for a horseback ride. I had come to this conclusion after having a few sips of Cuervo tequila chased with Dos Equis beer or was it Cinco Equis. This is where I have gotten a lot of my good ideas. For about six hours we had been having these sips while having profound but slightly slurred conversation about many deep subjects interspersed with hysterical laughter. Horse back riding came up I'm sure but I don't exactly remember much of the conversation. Knowing myself I must have decided that riding was the thing to do and that it had to be done nekkid of course. It was 1:30 or so in the morning, Mojave desert hot and with plenty of moonlight to see by. So here we go.

Taking the lead I sauntered off into the night (nekkid) to find my steed. There were two well trained retired show horses on the farm so going to their paddock I lead my favorite of the two to the fence and into position so that I could climb the fence and slide aboard. I slid aboard alright but only momentarily. That old horse didn't move a muscle but I slid right across its back then straight toward the center of planet Earth face first making a one point landing. That's alright though as my glasses broke my fall embedding the metal frame in my eyebrows. That old horse didn't move or say anything but I'm sure he was thoroughly disgusted. He never would look me in the eye after that.

When I wash my face I see a reminder of that event. It's a wonder I didn't break my neck. The glasses had the help of the half tooth I broke off on the swing set.

Of course I just laughed it off (I was a always happy drunk) until the tequila started to wear off and the pain from my front tooth started. I didn't feel so good. It was broken at the root.

The following week Dr. Don, a man of many talents but crazier than a outhouse mouse (what artist isn't?) fixed me right up. He is as old as I am and given my luck with old friends is probably dead now but if he is out there somewhere I'd like him to know that I can still eat corn on the cob with these fake teeth and they are the best looking part of me.

In the last six years I have had three perfectly good molars decide to reject my body. There was no reason except meanness. The teeth were good and the gum's were not infected. Those teeth just wanted out.

That's what I get for not dying young.


Chandra said...

Very nice stories! I have done some pretty dumb things in my life but I guess luck was on my side. I didn't break anything when I fell.

I learned something new from your post. The saying, "crazier than an outhouse mouse".

I thank you for that!

Be well!

Peace :)

Oldfool said...

I picked up that phrase from some hill billy when I was a kid growing up in Arkansas. It really is "crazier than a shithouse mouse" I just G rated it in this post for some irrational reason. You are welcome to it.

Diane said...

LOL...what a life you've had. "smile"

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