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Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Old Fools Journal: Thoughts on a Steampunk Logsplitter

There were several suggestions made that I should make a steam powered log splitter so I took an old butter wrapper and a ball point pen and started to make a drawing. That did not work so well as the pen got really slippery and I noticed that It did not seem to be very readable (at all) so on to plan B. I then flattened out an old toilet paper roll (we seem to produce a lot of these) and took an old broken crayon I found in the dryer once when I combined drying my clothes and adding colorful designs to my shirts. Unfortunately I mistakenly used it one night when I was setting fire to the stove and needed some paper to start the fire. Some stock I had in an offshore oil drilling outfit and an agreement I had with a Nigerian prince went missing about the same time.

No matter as I already had figured out that not only would I get more visits from the fire department than I would ever want but even if the Rube Goldberg thing with the 16 foot walking beam had worked the rusty oil drum boiler and sewer pipe cylinder would use more wood than I could split to keep steam up to pressure. Not to mention that homeowners insurance would probably be canceled throughout the neighborhood. Oh well it was too much work anyway.

So I went to You Tube knowing that if I needed a solution then some redneck out there has probably already done it and made a video of it.

I really like this first one.

If I can just find a flywheel that I can apply pedal power to I can use some of these old bicycle parts, get my exercise and split wood. I just need to remember to drink the beer later. I get a tingling feeling of withdrawal between my legs when I see this thing in action. One would not want to forget where ones thumbs are. All three of them. I really cannot understand my inner longing for this thing. It must be a Flintstone thing.

Where do I get one of these? It looks like the screw off the front of a "Journey to the Center of the Earth" science fiction boring machine and I want one. I've been looking but I have not yet found a video of someone trying to open a beer with one but I am sure one has been made. "Here hold my beer and watch this" is a phrase that is used a lot here in the south. It would look good on our beat and battered old redneck pick up truck. There are several videos of this type in operation and some are downright scary.

Once upon a time in another life I was an enthusiastic black powder pistol shooter. I quit before I thought of this next demo or put an eye out. These geniuses are black powder firewood stackers. I am qualified with black powder which means I know enough to leave it alone.

I am glad they do not live around here. I already see and hear enough death defying acts when the fireworks stands are open.

The next one is multi purpose and would be my first choice. It is quiet mostly but I suspect it could get noisy if you pissed her off. You'll notice her ass right off.

I have made it a point to be courteous to females of all sorts and especially human females that know how to use an axe. Extra care should be used if she has it in her hand.
Yet another example of "There is no such thing as mans work".

I don't know who this girl is but I like everything about her I can see in this short video.


Steven Cain said...

Holy Shit! I'm glad that guy doesn't live around here either... he does, but he hasn't been pulling that stunt in a while.

Stay away from any corkscrew log splitter!

I couldn't get the gal's video to play.

I've helped build three splitters... pretty standard gas motor powered hydraulic deal...towable. All of them ended up costing far more than we could have gone down to Tractor Supply and bought one for. But then, there was a lot of Budweiser involved in those projects.

I got a twenty ton Husky now that I've worked the hell out of for six, seven winters. She'll split anything I feed her. But then... no steam. If I want to see steam, I break out the busting maul.

Ben in Texas said...

IMHO,,Run as fast as you can from that first one!!! .. the corkscrew one,same thing, the gun power one just proves the gene pool needs more chlorine. Can you show that girlie one to SHMBO?

I've cut and split my share of fire wood, mostly east Texas oak, didn't burn a lot of it my self, but rather sold it to a BBQ Place.

Glenn said...

I'm kind of thinking that you could pick up a steam aircraft catapult or maybe even an entire aircraft carrier at the local Army - Navy surplus and build a pretty good log splitter out of it.

Might want to check local zoning laws first.

Gunnar Berg said...

The screw is a commercial log-spitting screw. The first one looks okay unless it's an oak crotch. Locally, oak being the wood of choice, I don't know. I think the black power goes back back. A couple of hundred years to take apart the big diameter logs so they can be wedged.

More than I know.

Gunnar Berg said...

Oh yeah. Headqtr Co, 23rd Engrs, 3rd Armored Div: M.O.S. Demo Specialist --- that black powder looks damned feasible.

Oldfool said...

I hope no one thinks I am going to do any of these. Too noisy, too much work and too much planning.
The screw could give a whole new meaning to the term "getting screwed".
The girl with the maul is my choice. I need a monster maul but I just have not got around to it. It will be spring soon and there will be no need.

Steven: Try this. I tried it on three browsers and it worked. It will not work on the google reader.

Steve A said...

My HERO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Besides, it being LA, the black powder'd be the first choice to try. You know, Jackson and New Orleans and that alligator and all...

Big Oak said...

I think I remember seeing that corkscrew hubcap in an old Batman episode. That first one is an accident waiting to happen.

And my money is on the black powder kids not making it to 30 years old.

That last method is my favorite also.

Bob from Athens said...

Ahhh, my kind of woman, just don't mess with her or her ass!

Dizzy-Dick said...

Maybe I am crazy, but I liked the first one best. Looks like a good idea. Like Ben, I have split a lot of East Texas Oak.

rlove2bike said...

Here is one more for you, although it's not as redneck as some of those.

tffnguy said...

I like that ass you were talking about. (Unless you were talking about the donkey) The rest seem kind of lame. Especially the screw.

Johann Rissik said...

Don't do much wood splitting myself (on account of living in a hot part of the world). Couldn't help wondering if the amount of fuel burned to operate the lethal looking unicorn wouldn't exceed the amount of energy released by burning the wood? Just saying'
Another option would be to take a pipe from the exhaust and run it straight into whatever needs heating. That would save the need to chlorinate the shallow end of the gene pool;)

C.S. said...

Here is the girls "blogspot":
I prefer an ax.

Outa_Spaceman Being: 53 said...

Log splitting is still a touchy subject for me.

O.S.M. B:53